Technical Support

Having trouble with your computer software?

Read this complaint letter. Hope it helps. :)


Complaint

Dear Technical Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as EPL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
DESPERATE
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Reply

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Stress With Capital S

I've restrained myself from talking about these things for too long. But enough is enough. There is a limit to my patience. If I were your colleague, I would have hit back at you. Unfortunately I am only an intern, and so I cannot confront you. I would have jeopardised my internship had I done so. Therefore, the only way to vent my frustration is to blog about it.

Initially, I didn't know what your colleagues meant when they said you were hard to work with. But now I see, and I know. Also, a previous intern said something about you being weird, and I think he hit the nail on the spot. Have no doubts about it. You ARE weird.

I feel very stressed out whenever you ask me to take pictures. You should know that all shots has their upsides and downsides. Wide shots capture more things, but smaller. Close ups make subjects appear big, but shows no inkling of whatever else is going on. But you don't seem to understand that. You want the best of both worlds. You want the shots to look natural. You want everything. But you see, as much as I would also love to take such good photos for you, it is not always possible, especially when everything is moving so quickly. All I can do is to take random shots. If I am lucky, I get good shots. If not, then too bad.

If you need good photos, then please hire a professional photographer to do the job for you. If you don't have the funds, then too bad. Quit whining about the photos.

Maybe I don't have a good eye for photography. But please be fair. I don't hold a Diploma in Photography. Neither have I attended any photography courses before. I am a Mass Communication student, for goodness sake. I am not trained in photography.

Ah, but then you said that you expected Mass Communication interns to be good in photography, and that your previous intern, a non-mass communication student managed to take some really great shots for you. If a non-mass communication student can take good shots, what excuse has a mass communication intern got not to take good shots?

Okay, fair enough. Maybe she's a good photographer and I'm not. But surely you musn't judge people solely by their ability to take good photos?

I'm sure there are things that she can deliver better than I can, and there are also things that I can deliver better than she can. Everyone has got their own talents - I hope you can appreciate that. I also hope that you can appreciate the fact that I've tried my very best to take photos for you on every occasion, whenever I was tasked to do so. I take pride in doing a good job, and I cannot be more pleased if I am able to take pictures that match your high standards. In this aspect, I don't think I have let myself down because I had always given my best shot when it came to phototaking. But like I said, it isn't easy because everything happens so quickly. One moment something happens, and the next moment something else takes place.

And I don't even want to go into your double-standards. The very faults you have been picking on some of the photos I'd taken - head slightly cut off, body of another person sticking out of nowhere, pictures that do not capture everything etc. have been part of pictures used in past posters, newsletter articles and so on. Some of those pictures were just as bad as those I had taken, if not worse. Yet you used them. If you could use them, then why not mine?

I also pointed out the fact that some of the photos you had given me to include in my designing of posters were just as bad, but you said you expected me to know how to distinguish the good photos from the bad ones, and not include the bad ones in posters I was designing for you. What bullshit. If you didn't want me to use those photos, why save them in the thumbdrive for me? You saved them in the thumbdrive because you thought they were good enough to be used. I caught you red-handed, and you'd nothing else to say but wanted to save your pride anyway, right?

By the way, if your previous intern was really good in phototaking, then why don't you hire her to take pictures for you whenever you need to? Or are you unable to due to the lack of funds?

But hey wait, I've got an idea. If you really don't have the funds, why don't you suck up to some photographers? I thought you were very adept at sucking up to journalists, columnists and contributors for free publicity in newspapers and magazines? Why don't you employ the sucking up tactics on professional photographers as well? You can get some really good photos that way, you know!

You also mentioned you were irritated whenever I informed you I was going out for lunch, or whenever I informed you that I was going downstairs to do something. Like why do I always tell you these things?! But you see, the reason I inform you is purely out of courtesy. So that you know of my whereabouts. So you would know where to go if you needed to find me. But since you do not appreciate my good intentions, I guess I can save my breath and live without them.

And as for you, I guess you can just go to hell.

A+ Maths

No I am not a male chauvinist.

Neither is this one of my famous essays.

Would just like to share some brilliant equations which have changed the world with you!
(Yea right...)

Humour Mail

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.

He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"

Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!"

The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."

At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied stripper... Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

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A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check.

When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out.

Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'

The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'

At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street.

The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads: 'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.'

A Passion For Truth Part 6

Oh yes, I have new stuff. Hail you independent thinkers.

Heard that he once chided some parents for not going on Wednesday because their child was ill. According to him, because the child was ill, all the more the parents should have turned up to pray for him/her.

Oh. I feel enlightened.

Parents, next time your child is ill, you should just go on Wednesdays anyway.
If your child is warded in hospital, then you should really go.
And if your child is critically ill, then you better go. Fast.

*roll eyes*

He is an unmarried man. So he expects you to see things from the unmarried man's angle. Unfortunately, not everyone in BEC is unmarried and not everyone in BEC has no family commitments. It easy to talk when you're single, but when you're married it's a different thing altogether.

He should really learn how to see things from the married man's angle. But he has found that quite difficult so far, hasn't he? He doesn't quite care if you have family commitments or work commitments. He just wants you to turn up. Period. If you do not turn up, then you will be accused of being lacking in faith, or not praying hard enough. You know, the usual stuff.

Afterall, he thinks he's always right because he's probably older, richer, more experienced and more successful than you are.

And before I forget, please do not say 'No' when he requests that you do something, like writing your daily reflections for example. Please spare yourself from the very agonizing and highly antagonizing post-rejection lecture. You do not deserve that for practising your freedom of choice.

Saying 'Yes' does not help either. Because then he expects you to deliver what you had promised. Performing the task surely hasn't been part of your contemplation. You just agreed because you were pressurized into doing so.

But hell no, he doesn't see it that way. He doesn't see that he had pressurized you into agreeing to something against your wishes. To him, when you do not deliver something you had "promised", (note the inverted commas in bold) you are not a man / woman of your words.

And since saying 'No' doesn't help and saying 'Yes' doesn't help either, remaining silent and ignoring him would be the most effective method. You know, it's just like the way you brush off those old wives' tale when you hear about 'em.

Einstein once said, blind belief in authority is the single greatest enemy of truth.

Remember that. Analyse things yourself and think independently. The fault doesn't neccessarily lie with the "leavers", as much as he may hint at that.

This case of chiding the parents for not turning up because their child was ill is another classic example of why many left and why many others continue to think about leaving.

If the parents had left because they were pissed with what he said, is it their fault? Or should we, on the other hand, attribute it to a total tactlessness, self-righteousness and inflexibility on his part?

You decide.

Enjoyable Times

I received a SMS two days ago.

"Hello! Are you free this Sat from 9am - 2pm? Cuz there is this carnival at my sch, Hai Sing. And it would be really great if you will come? Pls say you will come?"

Therefore, Joel, Eunice and I decided to go and pay R. T a visit.

I couldn't make it in the morning because I had promised my mum that I'd go grocery shopping with her. So we made our way there in the afternoon instead, under the torturous sun.

We initially had a hard time contacting R. T. after arrival because she had switched off her phone, and we kept getting those "the Singtel mobile customer is unavailable bla bla bla" voice messages when we tried to call her. Irritating. Especially so on a hot day. However after some persistence, we managed to lure the "ghost" out of her "haunted dungeon". :)

Well it was only a brief meeting though, because the "ghost" had many victims waiting to be "haunted", apparently. Apart from consuming some curry chicken and drinks, we didn't do much else at the carnival.

Next stop - Tampines Mall. The three of us decided to go there for lunch. And what's better than having some cool ice cream and yummy snacks at Swensens on this scorching day?

Spooking Joel with ghost stories while we had lunch was also on the agenda, as usual. Sorry dude! The next time you run out of things to say while you're with him, you know what to do! =p

Then it was time for them to leave for JY, and me for home. It had been a great outing, and I wish we'll have more of these in future. Remember our movie marathon after your 'O's!!

Last but not least, I'd like to leave you with some pictures I took of Snowy after I came home. My baby is 5 months old now!!

My Crappy Poem

Just helped my sister write a lil poem. Her teacher had asked her to write a poem about the ocean, and she didn't know what to write. So here comes the scapegoat once again.

Here goes:

Beautiful is the ocean
So deep and so wide
With waves always in motion
And the gentle breeze's wonderful sensation
Destination's never a notion.

Sounds weird / lame right?

Haha. I guess I tried.

Little Saturday Fun

Met up with Joel, Kelvin, Rufus and Eunice today. Went shopping at Parkway, and then had lunch at Han's with the first three honourable names before returning home. The fourth honourable person joined us at my house after her tuition.

And a wild goose chase took place when they were at my house. Joel was afraid of my doggy 'coz he said it was so big. Strangely enough, there were 7 of us there including my mother and sister but my doggy just wouldn't follow anyone else but him. Wherever Joel went, so did my dog. Needless to say, Joel was so freaked out. LOL.

Was glad to meet up with them. It had been a long time since we last did. Hmm, the last time we met was during the night tour? Unfortunately we were all in different groups then, so we didn't have much opportunity to catch up with one another. If we had been in the same group, methinks we'd have been talking about movies all night.

I wish I could have taken more photos, but due to violent objections this is some of what I can share. Not all. The rest are XXX-rated. :)

Lunch at Han's

If you cant have 'em, you stare at 'em

Don't blame him - he'd just seen something obscene

How Is Darren Able To Afford?!

Some may wonder how Darren is able to afford to go on holidays once every few years, or have the money to buy expensive dogs.

Some may even be red eyed.

Darren is still studying, doesn't have a steady income, and he's been taking so many taxi rides, and spending so much on food. How is Darren still able to afford to go overseas so often and what more, buy a dog!?

And so they assume that his mother must have lent or given him money to do these things. Then the rumour spreads like wild fire, and soon everyone thinks it must have been his mother who funded his overseas trips and such. Do you really think Darren needs to rely so much on his mother for some such enjoyment?

Sorry, as much as it may be the case for you, it is not the case for me.

As much as I would like to keep my financial status a secret, it might interest the rumour starters to know that not only was I able to afford to go overseas and buy pets; I was also able to pay my endowment premiums totalling about $1,200 each year for seven years in a row already. Yes, and without any help from my mother.

I can't stand it when people start baseless rumours on their assumptions, not facts.

Well, I tell you. Darren is able to afford to do these things because he compensates for the high expenditure on food and transport by not splashing too much money on designer goods, by not dining too often at expensive restaurants, or by changing his handphone frequently. He saves a decent sum by playing online games with his friends, something ignorant people will consider detrimental, instead of going out on weekends.

Detrimental as it is to your poor hapless soul, it saves a deal lot for me.

Besides, Darren saves what he earns. For example, when he worked at DFS for eight months the other time, he saved at least 60% of the salary he received, after giving money to his mother and spending the rest on daily expenses and outings on his off days. Darren doesn't just empty his account overnight after receiving his salaries! Also, Darren saves up the Chinese New Year collections he receives every year instead of spending them all in a flash.

If you don't have the discipline to save, then I guess you shouldn't look on me with too much jealousy when I go on overseas trips or enjoy life with the money I'd saved.

So here I would like to confirm once again that my mother has not lent me any money for, or sponsored my recent China trip, or for the buying of my pet husky, lest any loose mouths go away spouting nonsense again.

It's about inculcating the habit, the discipline to save.

It's about me having it, while you don't.

Activities On A Friday

Went to Mcpherson Secondary School Arts Nite on Friday evening with Siong to support Emily. But this Emily, didn't look like Emily at all. Unfortunately I forgot to bring my camera along so there goes the photos :(

Throughout the performance, Siong and I were like,

"I don't see Emily leh!"

"Where is Emily ar?"

Thanks to the heavy makeup. Haha.

After the "concert", Siong and I went to meet Xia and Cheng for supper. Then it was time to go home to catch the World Cup matches of Germany v Argentina and Italy v Ukraine.

The concert left me thinking, what's up with having so many Idol contests? Schools are having them. Polys are having them. JCs are having them. Universities are having them. Some companies also have them. Then there's always Singapore Idol. American Idol.

Whatever Idol. It's just copy and repeat.

Can people start using some word other than 'Idol'?

If not, it won't be too long before the word 'Idol' becomes a cliche, I think...