Humour Mail 6

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received.

The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

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A chinese guy, a white guy, and a black guy all get a job at the same place.

The boss comes out and says, "I'm leaving for awhile, and when I get back I want to see this place swept, and that pile of dirt out front shoveled and in five different piles."

So he tells the white guy, "You are in charge of sweeping."

He tells the black guy, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And finally he tells the chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He leaves and comes back in about three hours and sees nothing done. So he asked the white guy, "Why didn't you do anything?"

He replies, "I would have but the chinese guy didn't give me a broom."

So he askes the black guy, "Why haven't you done anything?"

He also replies, "The chinese guy didn't give me a shovel."

So he goes to look for the chinese guy, but he couldn't find him. Finally he walks over to the pile of dirt and the chinese guy hopped out suddenly and said, "Supplies!"

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter back from his mother:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."

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Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!

Survivor Fiji

I couldn't have asked for a more exciting season finale.

The two tribal councils before the final one were exciting.

The final tribal council which saw Cassandra and that loser Dreamz receive so much stick from the panel of council members was even more exciting.

And the most exciting, are probably these comments about Dreamz I found on a forum.

Enjoy.


"Dreamz is a dirty, lying sack of shit. Yau-man should have won it ALL. I don't even want to watch the rest."

"There is a reason you were a worthless homeless person, Dreamz - because you deserved to be one."

"What a lying mealy-mouthed sack of shit. If he had any idea what the repercussions of reneging on his promise to Yau would have been, he would have realized that keeping his promise was the only option he had. Because winning $1 million was not in the cards for his betrayal, and showing integrity would have been the second best reward."

"Dreamz really can only be described as a p***e of s**t. Couldn't stop lying to the very end. Earl didn't betray Yau. Yau's trust in Dreamz forced Earl's hand. He does have a family to think about too. It was honorable. Dreamz should die in that truck."

"His son truly knows who he is now, and will grow up to be a fucking thug and rob some white kid for drugs, then punch the police and claim he was arrested because of "racism". I hope that truck brings him nothing but bad luck and heartache. I hope his son steals it from him one night and gets drunk, then crashes it and ends up in the hospital, and some old asian guy who watched this season of survivor is the doctor."

Tale Of The Two Cabbies

Two cabbies. Two taxi rides. Two stories.

And such contrasting experiences they were!

The first ride took place this morning when I had to take a cab to work. Upon reaching the destination, I requested that the cabbie turn into the parking lot located below my office. I didn't want to stop by the main road, because there were several buses behind us and I didn't want to hold up the traffic.

Which he did. But as he turned in, he said in Chinese "Ehh.. go into carpark need to pay leh".

"No", I protested, "you do not need to."

Then in a typical Chinaman fashion he insisted that he would need to pay for entering the parking lot, and added that he didn't see any other cabs entering the carpark.

So I said, "No you DO NOT need to. I've entered this parking lot many times and you do not need to pay to get in."

I was already immensely irritated by this stubborn retard when he decided to irritate me further by putting this question to me - "Then why I don't see other cabs coming in?"

He had barely finished his sentence when another cab turned into the parking lot. And so I threw the gauntlet back at him. "See? Isn't that another cab?"

Then, I decided to pay by nets and expected him to know how to use the NETS machine. Instead, that idiot basically stared at my ATM card as if it were some device from Mars, then proceeded to take an incredibly long time to process the NETS transaction, swiping my card numerous times without any success. That was, until I had to take over and do it myself.

What a spastic.

The second ride came in the evening, when we shared a cab to attend my company's dinner function.

This cabbie was different. English speaking, refined, rational and resourceful, one could always tell the difference. Although we were caught in rush hour, he suggested the best route to take to avoid the traffic jams as best as possible.

And these are the type of cabbies that Singapore needs more of, I believe.

Random Thoughts

Some random thoughts.

1. The favourite phrase of a typical Singaporean who will never give others the benefit of the doubt is "Are you sure or not?"

2. Animals are a lot more adorable than humans.

3. "Deny" sounds bad - it seems to suggest the person is not speaking the truth, and is hiding something. It makes the person seem guilty until proven innocent. Is there a better word??